i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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