when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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