I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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