Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
