either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
