The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
