So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
