Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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