bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
