Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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