Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
