Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
