I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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