I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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