Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
