I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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