Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
