I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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