I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My cat gives me a boner
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
