I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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