My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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