this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
