he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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