just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
