so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
