Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
