I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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