I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
