I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
