we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
