Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
