I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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