deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
