if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
