I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
