Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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