I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
