So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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