Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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