3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
