I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
