Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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