I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
