Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
