I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
