My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
