I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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