I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
