when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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