People in love make me want to vomit
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
