The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
