I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
