Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have aggressive nipples.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
