YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
a search helicopter?!
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
