I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Damn victory sex feels great
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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