i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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