I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
