I'm so fucking centered right now
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
