bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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