I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
