I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
